Today
Today is the greatest
Day I’ve ever known
Cant live for tomorrow
Tomorrows much too long
I burn my eyes out
Before I get out
I wanted more
Than life could ever grant
Bored by the chore
Of saving face
Today is the greatest
Day I have ever known
Can’t wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
I’ll tear my heart out
Before I get out
Pink ribbon scars
That never forget
I’ve tried so hard
To cleanse these regrets
My angel wings
Were bruised and restrained
My belly stings
Today is
Today is
Today is
The greatest day
That I have ever known
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you round
I want to turn you on
I want to turn you
Today is the greatest
Today is the greatest day
Today is the greatest day
That I have ever known
-Smashing Pumpkins
I’ve never used this blog as a blog really, more just a chronicling of poker stuff and hopefully amusing stories for people to laugh at, but I guess I can verve off that for a while if I want to, I mean who cares right?
Let me try and relate it to poker, I was in two of the biggest tournaments in my life yesterday, huge payouts and potential to really make a go of it if I just even cashed. I had been working hard on my tournament game and had managed to satellite into two tournaments that quite honestly I would never have the balls to buy in for at this time but decided to actually play in them instead of cashing out the buyin like I had been doing before.
I had cleaned up the house the day before, had a decent couple days at work with some signs of life in the market for a change, a few prospects for renting the house which would have allowed to me get out of town for a couple days finally and go visit my daughter something I have really been looking forward to. I had a dinner ready to go, a cold beer for a treat and a cigar a friend had given me for my birthday which I was going to smoke on the breaks on the patio as the weather had finally turned into spring. Sitting in an empty house with just the dog to keep me company it was far from a perfect night, but it was as close as things come for me lately.
One phone call changes it all.
The dinner it sat untouched, the cigar un-smoked, the tournaments I couldn’t really ever concentrate on and ended up getting taken out of both just a bit before the money, both on bad beats of course, thinking back just a bit I was probably in shock at the time. The beer, well the beer got drank after, wish I had about 1,000 more to go with it.
I remember talking to a friend in the club one day when he told me what the song was about, it always stuck with me, and at that time in my life thinking those days were long gone and trying to think back as to which was the greatest/worst day?
It was hard to arrive on one, I know it was somewhere back there a long time ago, and I know I’ve had some rough days since then. For a long time I’ve had a kind of safety net of sorts that shielded me from the only thing that has really been able to hurt me, you’re talking to someone that likes getting tattoos and does MMA for fun, ending a day bruised, battered and bleeding just meant that you were still alive and was never a bad thing for me, pain is just weakness leaving the body right?
Truth be told I’ve had a great life over the past years, if I have had a bad day I really can’t remember it as the good ones wash them away and no matter how tough things ever got, a snuggle up with the kid to watch a movie at the end of the day or crawling into bed and having the love of your life curl into you made things all better.
Billy Corgan wrote that song after a friend killed himself. Depressed, alone, drug addicted, his band broken up, suffering from writers block and a myriad of shitty times, the idea was that it was the greatest day in his life because it was the worst, which meant everyday after that must be better right?
I hope so, because all the things that used to make me feel good are gone, I’m just left with the bad right now and I’m having a really hard time keeping it together and I don’t like it at all.
*edit
It’s so strange, first my life falls apart, and then so does this site.
Like my life I need to rebuild it, though I’m going to have to think about how to do that. Do I go back and copy all the old stuff and then add on top of it? Or do I go somewhere else and start fresh and new?
Like my life, this site holds many fond memories and I thought I had some really great stuff in there, though right now they all seem to remind me of things that aren’t making me feel too great right now.
I have to say I have never been one who could go back to something after it has left so it looks like this could be the end.
There is a line in one of my favourite movies, the Shawshank Redemption.
“Get busy living, or get busy dying.”
Time to take a deep breath and get on with life.